G.I. Joe: The Rise Of Cobra (2009)

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4 out of 10: Rental

Director: Stephen Sommers

Stars: Channing Tatum, Sienna Miller, Christopher Eccleston, and Joseph Gordon-Levitt

G.I. Joe: The Rise Of Cobra follows both good guys (the "Joes" compiled from different countries around the world... specifically based in America) and bad guys (complete with submarines, missiles, and evil dictators. Oh and mad scientists) as they struggle against the power of love, nano-missiles, and COBRA!

WARNING: This part contains spoilers!!!! Please do not read if you don't want parts of the movie to be spoiled for you!!!

ALRIGHT. Let's get started! (muahahaha)

So, first of all, let me just say that this movie is disastrous. This is not a masterpiece; this is a masterpiece-of-crap. Seriously. Do not go into this movie with a serious attitude, because it is not serious at all. 

Yes, you heard me. Those of you who don't believe me, I have a question for you: did you even watch the preview? I mean.... wow. The previews got worse the closer it came to coming out. So, I fully intended to waltz into the theater with the most horrible idea of what this movie was about. And most of what I thought was true.

Let's talk about the actors, starting with the good guys. First of all, the main man Channing Tatum. Pretty boy. Hunky Monkey. Monotone. Oh, and let's not forget the wimpiest "Ten Hut" in his first three lines of the movie. What am I trying to say here...... Oh yeah! Tatum is a pretty face but an ugly actor. Through the whole movie, it was like he wasn't even there. Seriously, I really could not recall any of his lines (except for that horrible excuse for a military term)... although there were random bod-shots. Too bad I'm not even that interested in him in the first place. Next, there's Marlon Wayans. And to be honest, he was probably my favorite of all the good guys, regardless of how horrible the majority of his lines were. He was the comic relief in most scenes (apart from Dennis Quaid... but that's in a minute), but he said things that any average person would say. I'm sad to admit this, but the comic relief wasn't as much comic as he was relief. Now, onto the other "Joes:" There was Snake Eyes (the awesome, non-asian ninja that just happened to be in japan as a street urchin at the age of 8. Also, his badass black outfit rocked the movie!), Heavy Duty (the lovely, english, tough guy that kicked some major ass), Breaker (badass moroccan who is a little slow on the job but talented), and Scarlet (the other female. Note on her: she was badass, had this awesome gun, but of everyone in the movie, she was the WORST actress. failure. epic epic failure). But Dennis Quaid stole the scene repeatedly with his awesome lines.... specifically "Because knowing is half the battle!" Just. Wow.

Okay. Deep Breath. Now it's time to get into the villains.

Alright, I'll admit, I was a little biased going into this movie because I love Christopher Eccleston. But it was slightly depressing to see him go from being the lovely Doctor Who (from the first season of the newer series. yes, there was a doctor before David Tennant) to the horrible James McCullen. I mean, it's the doctor! He's so wonderful! And then he turns into man-whore, I-stick-fingers-into-the-mouth's-of-females-much-younger-than-me-then-kiss-her-later. It was hard, plus his accent was quite thick. But I still love him, and he made a pretty good menacing villain. Next, Sienna Miller. Where the hell did she even come from? First, she's like model, then she's like badass-in-charge! Seriously! Even I thought she was a babe, and I'm totally straight! She was pretty great, even for being in a pretty bad movie. Although, her vulnerability (specifically at the end) really became an out of character move. This was not her fault, however, so I don't blame her. Next comes Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Looking past his sporadic hand movements and body movements (which was very difficult since it was so ridiculous), Gordon-Levitt was definitely not a bad villain like I thought he'd be. However, his decent into evil and his final stages of taking over.... well, let's just say you could have seen that coming from a mile away. I mean duh, what the hell is the name of the movie? "Rise of COBRA" .... what do you think happens?

Speaking of predictable, this movie was so shockingly predictable that I think a 2 year old could even see what was coming. The ending.... well, both of the so-called "shocking twists" at the ending were so obvious that I could have summarized the movie in WAY less time than it took to actually get there. And the entire Paris scene, don't even get me started. Thanks to the lovely preview, of course, that entire scene went on for about 10 minutes longer than it should've. While the audience eagerly awaited the destruction of the Eiffel Tower, the characters still had no idea. For like 10 minutes. I was beginning to grow weary of these scenes.

And then, out of no where, the director just threw in the most random of things possible. For example, Brennan Fraiser. Yes, the big BF. Just because he was in the Mummy doesn't mean he has to be in everyone of those movies. And what did he do in this movie? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. He stood in the middle of a fight and declared it. Only a mere light assistant trainer. WHAT IS THE POINT?! At least that guy who played Imhotep actually had a legit part in the movie. Wait, what? He was in it too? Yep. He was that one guy, with the shapeshifting face. Oh yeah.

You're probably thinking now, as you're reading this, "why then, margasaur, did you give this movie a 4 instead of like a 2 or a 1 even?" To be honest, I thoroughly enjoyed this movie. Not because of its excellence or hot guys but because it was the most fun coming up with horrible jokes, puns, and all around riffing in my head during it. I would rent this movie... no wait, scratch that... I would BUY this movie to make fun of it! It's just that purely terrible and epic!

Hopefully you are not turned off to watch this movie... because in all honesty it was a fun movie to just shut off your mind's thinking powers and watch. But be forwarded... i put this information for you to know before getting into that theater.... and to quote Hawk: Knowing Is Half The Battle!